I believe in a God that is good and loving. My God is merciful, forgiving, and peaceful. This is the state I strive to achieve each day in order to be closer to my God. My God is not the hateful, vengeful or punishing God that I was raised to fear through my Roman Catholic upbringing. You know, the God that will strike you down with lightning for your sins and send you to burn in hell for eternity; the God who we learned will seek retribution for our wrong doings. I do not have a God who would be so wicked. I believe my God has created every one of us. He has made us to be unique so that our world would be filled with diversity and perhaps, so that we could learn from each other and appreciate our differences.
I believe humanity consists of some bad things such as ego, hate, jealousy, greed, conceit, and prejudice. I live trying to find my balance between not getting myself caught up in these human traits and living a more enlightened path to earn my place in paradise. I can say that the older I get, I feel that I am living a life in which my see-saw teeters heavier on the spiritual side as I am more aware of how my human instinct of feeding my ego weighs negatively on my heart and I can breathe easier and sleep better when I ignore the ego and follow my conscience.
I firmly believe love is love. I have been blessed to have friends from many walks of life. I have a good number of friends from the heterosexual gene pool as well as the homosexual gene pool. I have always had a keen ‘gay-dar”. So, no one has snuck onto my friend list by mistake. I choose my friends for their spirit and hearts, for the positive energy they give off and the love they exuberate. I choose my friends by the way they make me feel and I can only hope that I reciprocate those feelings and add positivity to their lives. I do not discriminate because of a person’s race, religion, sex, political views (although some people try my nerves in this department), nor their sexual preference. I believe there are great people from all these groups, and I believe there are some real assholes in each as well.
I have worked very hard to pass this well-rounded love of all onto my children. I can recall a time we spent a few days on a gay beach in Rehoboth, Delaware while my kids were in their early teens and on the last day, I asked them if they noticed anything different about the beach we have spent at least 4-5 days on by that point. They all looked at me very confused. I said, I want you to walk from one end of the beach to the other and tell me what is different. They walked up and down the beach and came back and said, “We have no idea.” I said, “You did not notice that there are mostly women on this part of the beach and only men on that part of the beach?” They laughed and said, “Well, now that you pointed it out!” My work was done! They had no idea we spent the week on a lesbian beach and all the homosexual males were on the next beach. They spent the week noticing how similar we all were and did not notice how different we were.
I am a mom of 3 adult daughters and 1 pre-teen son. There is nothing they have in common but me. My girls have all participated in dance lessons, like the little princesses I raised them to be, although, they have played every sport. My son is trying to figure out the world of sports as he was blessed with more artistic, musical and academic talents. My youngest daughter was the athlete of athletes! Everything that kid tried she excelled at. She spent her teens living at a boarding school on an ice hockey scholarship. During her second year of high school, I was driving her back to school after Spring Break. As I looked in the rear-view mirror, I saw tears falling down her cheeks. I asked what was wrong and she said…I need to tell you something. My heart sank. She is not someone who cries…ever! I couldn’t imagine what she was about to say. I asked her to give me a chance to pull over so we could talk and so I didn’t have an accident in case it was bad. By time I pulled over she was sobbing. What could be so terrible and upsetting? I finally asked, “What do you need to tell me?” She began, ” You know that girl so and so from my school?” she cried. YEA??? “Well I like her.” OOOOOKAY??? I respond. And she cried harder. ” I ‘like her’ like her?”
As parents, our obligation is simple. We love our kids…love is love! It is supposed to be an unconditional, undying love. Obviously, if you are Charles Manson’s mom, that may have been a significant bridge to cross, but a parent loves their child. PERIOD! A parent’s love should not be based on a standard or an expectation, ” I will only love you if….” We do not love our children only if…. I still stand dumb founded when I hear that a parent will disown their child because they are gay. Let’s go back to where this started. I believe in a God who loves. There is nowhere…NOWHERE…NOWHERE…NOWHERE in the Bible that states that God does not approve of homosexuality. This is the breaking point for some parents of gay children. It’s where their love ends. Somewhere down the line, ignorant humans, with their large egos, have interpreted the Bible to fit their agenda; An agenda of bias and hate. One of the most referenced statement in the bible for the homophobic Christians refers to God’s disapproval of the Sodomites. Look it up, it is there! God disapproves of Sodomites. Our so-called Christian leaders have used this term to prove God’s law against homosexuality. Let me let you in on a secret! That is not what Sodomite means! Did you know that God destroyed the city of Sodom in the time of Abraham in the Old Testament because of its evil inhabitants? City of Sodom…Sodomites. City of Israel…Israelites. Get it? The bible is not referring to anal sex, to gay men or homosexuality? Come on… Jesus, the son of God, loved Mary Magdalene…a prostitute!! If you really believe your God does not love the person he created, who happens to loves another person of the same sex AND if you believe this same sex love between good people will result in them burning in hell, then you need to go find yourself a new God and religion.
My response to my daughter was one of a little bit of disbelief. “Are you trying to tell me you are gay? Let me tell you something, when you were 2 years old, I enrolled you in dance school. At the recital, while all the other kids danced, you threw your tiara into the crowd and laid on the stage ripping at the crotch of your tutu in tears. You went on to wear only boy clothes and play street hockey. You clearly are NOT blowing my mind right now. But what does make me sad about what you are telling me is that people are mean. And I understand that this is more accepted in today’s society. However, people will still be mean to you and judge you for this and this makes me sad because no one wants their kids to be hurt. But rest assure, you are NOT blowing my mind.”
I see people and their hate towards others…their ugly prejudice. What I will never understand is how can any parent turn their back on their child because of who they chose to love, especially if that person is a good person who loves them back? Isn’t that what we want for our kids…for them to find love and for someone to love them back? Love is love! The thought of a parents hate towards their child destroys me. The story of my daughter being gay is not my story to tell, but I can tell my perspective as being a parent of a gay child.
As much as homosexuality is accepted in today’s society, I did not live most of my life in the presence of people of the same gender in intimate relationships with each other. I would be a liar if I said to you that having a gay child was an easy thing for me to get used to. My daughter being a Tomboy was something I grew accustomed to over many years. Trust me, I wrestled her to the ground to get a dress on her for a holiday or a special occasion. Once she was openly gay, the first couple times she was affectionate or lovey dovey with her partner in my presence was a jagged little pill to swallow. This had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. Although not “prejudice” or judgmental of her choice, my lack of exposure to same sex intimacy made their display of affection feel ‘wrong’ because of my ‘programming’ in this area. And as she becomes more comfortable with who she is in terms of her style and sexuality, I still catch myself a bit uncomfortable with some of her choices. Again, not because she is gay, but because she is different…stands out…and I don’t want anyone to talk about her or hurt her. Plain and simple! I am a Mama Bear like no other and I will rip your throat out if you hurt my child. I didn’t have that conviction for myself, but I do for my children. I can tell you that after 10 years, it’s still is a little odd for me at times to deal with homosexual issues but here’s the beauty…it’s not about ME! They are not my issues. My only issue is to love and support my child.
My overprotective nature and lack of experience also didn’t make me the ideal parent at times either. I attempted in a loving way to sway her a bit along the way by teasing with her about the fact that it was so unfair that she got the great hair and wore it in a bun or ponytail all the time. I also wanted to choke her for wearing a suit to her sister’s wedding rather than a bridal party dress. I tried to play the “I’m the mom and I said so” card with my adult daughter to make her wear a dress for this special event. I also found myself compromising with her….”Ok, I’ll give you the boy outfit, but you need to have a girl hairstyle and some lip gloss.” I have said to her several times over the years….”You are so beautiful…why can’t you be the chick in the relationship and wear that dress.” Although she would always laugh and tell me to get over it, I sometime wonder if my teasing and requests hurt her or made her think that I really did not accept her for who she was. Yes, my motherly instincts want her to be like everyone else as a protective mechanism. Maybe I am trying to protect me. I reason with myself by thinking that I just want my kids to be accepted and included in all things no matter how old they are. I don’t ever want them to be the kid I saw bullied and teased when I was a child. But I assure you, her sexual preference has no impact on how much I love her or how quickly I will go to bat for her if someone treats her unkindly.
I love and truly admire my daughter. Her decision to be openly gay at such a young age was extremely brave. I admire her for her courage to talk to me about it. I admire her for trusting me. I admire her for being true to herself and not being someone or something for someone else, not even for me. I admire her for being able to light up a room with her smile and personality, even in her suit and tie. I admire her for being kind and good hearted. I admire her for trying to be the best version of herself during the chaos of her trying to figure out who she even is and what she actually wants out of life. I only want happiness for her. That is my greatest dream and prayer for all my children, despite their sexual preferences.
I sometimes think that parents that can disown or not accept their gay child may see something in their child that they do not possess themselves and it causes a fear and maybe even a resentment. Maybe they see the courage to not live within the boundaries of a society or religion. Maybe they see the courage to stand independently and live and love despite the challenges of that lifestyle. Maybe they see someone who is true to themselves and willing to do whatever it takes to live the life their God created and intended for them to live. To those type of parents, I would like you to ponder this. You should be horrified if your child grows up to be a mass murderer. You should be heartbroken if your child becomes an addict, thief, or prostitute. But nothing…none of these things should make you disown or even dislike your child, even if is as simple as being born gay. I hope just one parent, who may think this way, reads this and reconsiders their decision. I hope that you learn that love is love, for all of us. And if you don’t learn this lesson, I hope you are prepared for how you will explain your hatred to your God when you meet him at the gates of heaven. ‘Cause you’ll have some explaining to do! In that I feel confident. Persevere Bitches!