Choosing your Death Date

Do you know the exact day you will die?  The exact minute?  Under what circumstance?  In 2017, 47,000 American’s knew.  That was an average of 123 people per day.   These were the people who had nothing left to give this life: No energy to inhale or exhale one more time and no desire to see the sun rise or set another day.  These were the ones who were in so much pain and darkness that the unknown state of death, was the more optimal choice than the certain hell they were living.  These are the one who decided to end their pain and sorrow once and for all. They were the 47,000 people who committed suicide in the year 2017.  It is predicted that worldwide in 2020, someone will commit suicide every 23 seconds. These are the latest statistics I found using google. Those numbers are DEVASTATING!

I couldn’t find any statistics for December 2010.  That time frame was very important to me.  That was the time I chose as MY death day.  That was the Thursday I woke up and thought, ‘You Win!  All of you horrible, sick, judgmental, lying assholes win!  I am out.’  My letter would read.  “This is what happens when you Fuck with people.  May my death haunt your conscience for the rest of your life.  But as for me, I am free!”  It would be addressed to no one in particular, but those who would read it or got news of it would have known exactly who it was intended for and what it meant. 

You will hear people say that a person who commits suicide is a coward and/or selfish.  If I handed you a gun and told you to point it at yourself and pull the trigger, would you deem that a cowardice act? No friggen way in hell.  You have to have some serious balls to do something so horrible and tragic.  And let me tell you something else.  The place you are in to make that decision is so utterly dark and cold that not even the hand of those who love you deeply, nor the hand of God can reach that place to pull you out.  That place is empty, callous and ever so implausibly lonely.  The decision is not selfish, it is the epitome of despair so intense that you can no longer see or feel those around you, let alone understand how YOU being set free could ever impact THEM.   So, I personally do not agree with that stereotype.

I also do not buy into the rationale of Depression being the ultimate cause. If you know me, really know me, you know that I am a very upbeat, happy go lucky, fun loving person.  Not at all the person who would take their life.  I am the token life of the party, right?  So, it doesn’t make sense that depression would the sole cause for this act of desperation, would it?  I was not depressed, not at all.  I was heartbroken.  I felt betrayed.  I was lied to.  I was threatened.  I was bullied.  My pain was so intense, I swear to you, on my death date, I must have said to myself a million times, “Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, Breath out.”  It was no longer automatic, and I was so very tired and exhausted.  I recently spoke to someone who shared with me that he had a death date and wrote a letter.  He too shared that he was not depressed, just heart sick like me.  I never met anyone else who went down this frightening path, a path where the thought of living was so much more painful than the thought of dying and yet was still here.  Can you imagine escaping a feeling of such agony in the final moments?

I had a plan, one that I thought was a good plan. They say that people who have a plan are the most dangerous because they are the most serious.  It was not the first one I came up with, because that first one could have caused injury to someone else, so I came up with a second one.  I was clear enough to know that I needed to end my pain and but not take anyone else with me.  And when I left my house that night, nothing else mattered to me. I felt that I was already dying, suffocating in my very own life, and as I headed towards my destination something changed drastically…I had this overwhelming feeling that my son needed me to protect him. Ironically, my friend, shared how his plan was very real, vivid, and in process as well.  And then he repeatedly heard the words, “I need you” on the other side of his door, and he was stopped in his tracks too.  TO BE NEEDED!  Ugh.

A good amount of humankind are horrible, terrible people.  This is a very sad but true statement.  People will lie, cheat, steal, and wound another individual with very little regard to what it can do to that person.  It is all done to serve their own ego.  I read that a person’s ego can be one of the worst poisons and can actually be lethal.  I cannot agree with this more, if not lethal to them, most certainly to someone else.  Ego is what causes people to be self-serving and arrogant.  Think about the coworker who sabotages you to get the promotion or win the bosses favor.  Fucking Brown Nosers!  Or the spouse who lies and cheats.  The person who talks behind your back so that you can be the favorite friend in that group. The rapist, murderer, embezzler. I can go on.  It is all done to serve that person’s ego.    All of these terrible things are done to serve one person’s self esteem or importance.  The egotistical person has no regard for the repercussion on those hurt in their path in order to fulfill their own need, as long as it is filled.  It is this type of person that can push a person right to the edge and for a good amount of those 47,000 people who chose their death date in 2017, this type of person can literally push them off the edge and send them plummeting to their death.  Dear Lord, get some help immediately if I just described you!

In recent years, you have heard more and more about the parent who will seek legal means to bring charges against their child’s bully after the child has committed suicide.  AFTER!  After is the key word.  What the hell are we doing BEFORE? What happened to the morals of humans?  I was raised on some pretty simple principles:

  • If you don’t have something nice to say, you say nothing at all
  • Keep your hands to yourself
  • Be honest 
  • Be kind
  • Help others
  • Don’t steal
  • Don’t Lie

In my situation, every principle I was raised on, everything I listed above was destroyed. Mostly by one person, but in all honesty, almost every person I loved and cherished had in some way broke one of these rules at the same exact time. I don’t think it was done to hurt me intentionally, but it was done.  So, we cannot continue to look at a person who commits suicide as depressed and therefore something in THEM is broken that caused them to end their life.  In many situations, people like me are not broken at all in terms of their psychological well being, but rather broken by the world and people around them because humanity has regressed in its standards.    

I can remember a nun in my catholic grade school describing how we use the words, “I’m sorry”.  She said, “If you hit Jesus in the head with a baseball bat and then said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry’ and then you hit him again? Do you think he would believe you are sorry?”  Probably not, right?  And if you are kissing your wife/ husband goodnight and saying you love them, while you are screwing around with someone else, you can’t possibly really love them.  You do understand that right?  It is no different if you get angry and call someone fat or ugly.  I love the saying that “Words hit harder than fists!” No truer words have been spoken. I have mentioned before that the hardest things to get over in an abusive relationship are the words, not the bruises.  The cuts and bruises heal within days, those words…ugh, they ring in your ears, head, and heart for a lifetime.  These inconsistencies in life that occur, in order to serve one’s own ego, are truly destroying others sense of EXISTENCE!!

I believe strongly that we need to mean what we say and say what we mean.  If I am your friend, you can count on me.  I may tell you things that you need to hear that may be painful but  I honestly will not tell you to hurt you.  I am trying to save you from the hurt and humiliation that is already swirling around you.  I will never say it behind your back.  If I tell you I love you, then I do…more than those words can ever communicate. And, if I tell you that you have hurt me, and I no longer trust you?  You can rest assure that our relationship is over and although I may miss you, I will never look back. 

Things and people in my life devastated and shattered me so completely, that I chose my death day.  I chose it despite my Catholic upbringing that I will burn in hell for eternity and I chose it despite the Buddhist confidence that if I do this in one life, I will do it many more lives to come. I chose it to end my pain and to set myself free.  I was not saved by the words I love you, because at that time of my life,they meant nothing to me.  They were said so freely and irresponsibly that they felt no different than if you told me to go fuck myself. 

Once again, what stopped ME in my tracks was to be NEEDED.  My son needed me to be around to protect him from one of the biggest things I was trying to escape.  My son needed me to be here to teach him all the principles that he has to live by in order to not hurt others.  My son needed me to teach him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, spell his name.  I was needed.  My friend was NEEDED, he had no idea how much at that time and thankfully, he is still here and now he understands why.  Perhaps, if everyone thought that they were needed, they would find value in their life again and they would take a different course.  Maybe we should tell each other that we NEED one other more often and why.  My husband and I have a thing…its sort of a silly thing but its OUR thing.  We don’t do it as often as the traditional I love you, but when we do, it melts my heart.  Our thing is this…. I love you; I need you; I worship you; I cherish you; I adore you and I cannot live without you.  To know that I am needed and to know that my existence is so important to someone else has changed my life. Horrible people and events will continue to exist, but perhaps being needed can change your life or the life of someone you love today!  The short of it is this, we need to continue Persevere Bitches! No Matter What!

Please, if you find yourself feeling so desperate in life, know that there is someone who needs you.  Don’t give up. Please seek help:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/