I consider myself a normal person. I am a good wife and mom, in my opinion. I mean, I get gifts on special occasions and Mother’s Day, so I guess my family thinks I am ok too. I try hard to be a good person and a good friend, but I have a low tolerance for bullshit, and I can leave a relationship in a second if it is bad for me…this is a newly acquired skill.
I have a long history of being the unfortunate lover and mate. I can honestly make a statement that most relationships I have been in have been based on lies and deceit. I have spent tons of money in counseling and self-help books trying to figure out why. Why did he cheat or me? Why did he lie? Why did he beat me? Why did the unthinkable happen? What is broken in me that makes men treat me like this? Why do I choose this type of person over and over again? Is it a deep seeded betrayal by my father at a young age??? Nope. Could it be that I was not loved enough as a child?? Hmmm. Maybe, I mean, I am number 7 of 10 children…how much love was really left over for me? Could it be I am a glutton for punishment and perhaps a slow learner? Definitely a yes on that one. But the short of it is this…I have spent most of my life in that state which is a bit depressing when you think of it. It has broken parts of me so bad that I fear I may never heal.
But do not cry me a river yet because I am one who gets right back on the bike once I fall off. I finally have reconnected with the love of my life!!! My high school sweetheart and I finally reunited after a 25-year hiatus. Yeah me! And life has been a fairy tale. Right up to the second he was diagnosed with cancer last Thanksgiving. So I finally get an amazing man who loves me and I am slowly (closing in on an 8 year recovery) building my self-esteem again and now the universe wants to fuck with me. Oh, did I mention I curse a lot?? We will get into why I do that another day. But yes, this amazing man strolls back into my life, stealing my heart, and then gets sick. His cancer has been in remission for one year now and counting. So, suffice it to say, I have not and will not give up on that love story so stay tuned for more about him!
As a mom, I have definitely fucked up more than most. Although, I can say that I have done many things right too. I got pregnant at 18 which put a damper on dorm living in college, but I worked like a crazy person to earn my master’s degree and push my kids to be successful. What better way to shove it up the asses of all those people who judged me for that, right? I am averaging 75% on the task of raising successful children as my kids are 30, 27, 25 and 12. No typo there…12! Why? Because God has a sense of humor. So, I have about 10 years to go before I can achieve that 100% but I am working on it. However, the things I have done wrong, I have mastered at doing wrong.
Addiction did not discriminate when it came to my family: Grandparents, siblings and even one of my children. It is a cruel and insidious parasite. It knows no boundaries and does not discriminate…but we are fortunate to be winning in that department as well…one day at a time.
In terms of my physique, I am an average looking girl. Not ugly but not gorgeous. I was an ugly duckling for most, if not all of my teenage years…chipped front tooth, braces, big bump in my nose. Talk about things that damage a kid. I never was a skinny girl and most likely never will be…as one of my first boyfriends pointed out. And no matter how much weight I lose, I will always have a fucked-up body as my first husband felt the need to remind me. So somewhere along the line, my body aligned with the mean words of others…but I do work at it. I would love to have a rock hard, lean body…but I would like to have pizza and wine too. I am trying to figure out how to have both.
In terms of my profession, I am excellent!!!! I have given 100% and have seen the rewards in hundreds of my patients in my over 25 year and counting career. Because this is an area that all is well, I will rarely ever talk about my work, unless it’s to talk about how to work hard in business or survive being bitten or peed on in the workplace!
So why blog? I am a storyteller by nature. Being bit of a Gladys Kravitz has helped to fuel my story telling skills. Did I just give away my age with that Gladys statement??? But I am constantly torn by events in my life. I am a Libra so when things are out of balance in one area, they are out of balance everywhere. I have found since my husband’s illness, that I worry incessantly which is caused by these horrible scenarios that I create in the Cerebral Cortex of my brain which in turn activates my Amygdala therefore causing physical symptoms like stomach pains and sleepless nights. I guess I should also mention again that I read lots of self-help books to self-diagnose in which I typically misinterpret to make things in my life a bit crazier. In any event, I thought that if I blogged, if I could formulate my experiences and stories into this blog, that perhaps I could see them for what they are, just things that have happened in my life and not who I am. I also thought that in doing this, I could come to terms with the bad ones to let them go, reminisce about the good ones, and perhaps help someone else along the way.
My life has not been easy, but I have found the good in most situations. So let’s get this started. Strap on your seatbelt’s bitches, the ride will sometimes be bumpy!